For people who are seriously considering a career in consulting, I strongly recommend buying a copy of Alan Weiss' book, Getting Started in Consulting. When I was getting started, I would read the entire book every few weeks. It help tremendously in understanding how to establish visibility, 'gravitas', reputation, etc. as means of rising above the competition.
I also remember being asked and answering two key questions about becoming a self-employed consultant: Separate from your credentials, experience and knowledge, "Are you comfortable talking to strangers? Are you comfortable talking to no one?" Because if you cannot do the first, you won't find clients, and if you cannot do the second, sitting home alone in your office with the phone not ringing an no one to have coffee with will be depressing.
MORE CONSULTING JOKES
A doctor, an engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve
from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can
rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of
Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from
out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular
application of civil engineering. Therefore, mine is the oldest profession in
the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently,
"Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and
cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,
"You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things
at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her twenty
minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one-armed consultant, with
a social sciences degree and five years of experience."
The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications
you required, but why 'one-armed'?"
The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of
hearing with each advice the phrase 'On the other
hand…'."
A man had a male cat that howled all night, every night. The
sleepless man concluded that the cat has too much testosterone and took him to
the vet to be castrated. To his great surprise, the cat continued howling.
"Why are you doing it now?" he asked the cat.
"The other cats hired me as a consultant."
There’s a glass of water on the table...
First consultant says, "It's half full." That’s an optimist.
Second consultant says, "It's half empty." That’s a pessimist.
The Human Resources consultant says, “You have too much glass there.”
A consultant is ...
- Someone who takes the watch
off your wrist and tells you the time
- A person who in theory knows 99 ways to
make love, but doesn't have any actual experience
- Someone who is called in at
the last moment and paid enormous amounts of money to assign the blame
Consulting Revisited
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
It takes two things to be a consultant - grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey
hair makes you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less, until he knows
absolutely everything about nothing.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest
and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning
problems into gold (your problems into their gold).
LIGHT BULB JOKES
- We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study
- Two. One to change the bulb and one to speculate how Tom Peters would have done it
- That depends - how much money is in your budget...?
- None. Time to buy a new fixture - with a service contract. For a reasonable fee we can survey light fixture suppliers, conduct on-site examinations of the finalists, and make a recommendation
- That's difficult to say. First, we need to do a major study to see if you really need light in that area, determine historically why the light burned out, and conduct an analysis to determine whether it's the right kind of light. We may need to survey employees for risk of light sensitivity. After that, we can: develop RFPs and RFQs, evaluate the abilities of various maintenance workers to perform the task, recommend personnel selection, and supervise the activity.
A consultant is an ordinary person 50 miles from home with a PowerPoint presentation.
A consultant is someone who comes in to solve a problem and stays around long enough to become part of it.
One consultant, told he was a pain in the neck, said he was glad to have been moved up.
A client with one consultant knows what to do. A client with two consultants is never sure.
…borrows your watch, then charges you to find out the time.
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