Consultant and Consulting Jokes (3)

If you know any consultants, please mention these postings to them.

Back when I was a self-employed consultant I started to collect consultant jokes, with the half-baked idea of self-publishing and selling a paperback book of jokes and cartoons. Below, the first part of what I had collected.

For people who are seriously considering a career in consulting, I strongly recommend buying a copy of Alan Weiss' book, Getting Started in Consulting. When I was getting started, I would read the entire book every few weeks. It help tremendously in understanding how to establish visibility, 'gravitas', reputation, etc. as means of rising above the competition. 

I also remember being asked and answering two key questions about becoming a self-employed consultant: Separate from your credentials, experience and knowledge, "Are you comfortable talking to strangers? Are you comfortable talking to no one?" Because if you cannot do the first, you won't find clients, and if you cannot do the second, sitting home alone in your office with the phone not ringing an no one to have coffee with will be depressing.

MORE CONSULTANT JOKES

Consultant or Prostitute? 

   1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
15. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
16. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
17. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
18. Even though you might get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
19. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
20. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp. 

THE SHEPHERD JOKE

 A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a brand new BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, the latest Polarized sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, "Sure."

The driver parked his car, turned on his Blackberry, surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area. He printed the results on the laser printer in his glove compartment, subtracted three (for himself, the shepherd and the car), and pronounced “You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"Impressive. One of my sheep is yours." said the shepherd. He watched the young man select an animal and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd said: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you reverse the bet?"

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied “You’re on.”

"You are a consultant." said the shepherd without hesitation.

"That's correct," said the young man, impressed. "How ever did you guess?"

"It wasn’t a guess," replied the shepherd. "You drive into my field uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business.”

 Now give me my back my dog."

 THE RESTAURANT JOKE

A customer at a fancy restaurant noticed during the salad course that each of the waiters had a spoon in his jacket pocket. He asked his waiter, “What gives with the spoon?”

The waiter replied, “The owner brought in a time efficiency expert who discovered that the utensil people dropped most often was a spoon. If we all carry replacement spoons we improve service speed by 3.4%.”

During dinner the same customer noticed that that his waiter had a string hanging out from his pants zipper. And so did all the other waiters. He asked, “And what’s with the string?”

The waiter replied, “The same consultant observed that we were using too much time to wash our hands after going to the bathroom. Now I just pull down my zipper, tug on the string, and I can manage my business without dirtying my hands.” With that, the waiter bustled off to another table.

Over dessert the customer stopped the waiter one more time. He said, “OK, I can see how you get started, but how do you put everything away without using your hands?”

The waiter leaned over and softly said, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

DEFINITIONS OF CONSULTING TERMS

 Consluting/Conslutant:  A search on any decent Internet search engine will garner many hits for consulting or consultant, but also a fair number for consulting or conslutant.  Either a small percentage of consultants are dyslexic, or ‘consluting’ is a rare subspecialty of consulting.  Possible definitions:

-          Someone who gives away for free what others charge for

-          working for competing clients – and providing the same answers to both

-          propositioning your friends’ clients and promising more for less

-          submitting reports without checking your outgoing material for viruses

-          decorating your website with gaudy gifs, clip-art, sound effects and backgrounds

-          invoicing twice for the same work and hoping to get lucky

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people which stops bright ideas from penetrating.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when coming at you rapidly.

Contruck: Is a contract with a small-print clause that makes you feel like you were run over by a truck when it is invoked.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Invice: Is an invoice with a criminally high total considering how little work was actually completed.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

A doctor, lawyer and a consultant were discussing whether to have a wife or a mistress.

The doctor said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The lawyer said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The consultant said, "I like both."

"Both?" asked the doctor and lawyer in unison.

The consultant replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife AND a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done." 

 A time management consultant dies and goes to Hell. On arrival the Devil says, "I'm going to give you three choices, which is more than you ever gave your clients. Whichever room you choose will be how you'll spend eternity."

So the consultant opens the first door and sees a mob of people sitting on a floor covered with spikes. He goes to the next door and sees a humongous crowd of sinners lying down in spoiled food and maggots. At the third door, there is a throng of people talking and drinking coffee, although they are up to their knees in pig manure.

"Thank God," he exalts, "It smells terrible, but at least I could drink all the coffee I want and be able to talk to people."

He enters and joins the group. He is about to sip his first coffee when a loudspeaker announces, "Coffee break is over.  Back to standing on your heads!"